Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
