Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
