i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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