Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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