I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
