i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i love accidental penises.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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