MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
