He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
