youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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