u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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