im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
