Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
