just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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