Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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