I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
