first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
The air taste purple.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
