The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
