you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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