yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
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