my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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