if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
me + whiskey = a bad person
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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