broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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