Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
