so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
