forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
