She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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