I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize