Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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