i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize