I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
