my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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