The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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