I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
