If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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