I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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