Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
