Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
