she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
i've created a new STD.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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