I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
how drunk are you?
Several
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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