I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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