mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
