You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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