I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
