I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
