oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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