my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
