Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Randomize
