she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
