Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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