I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
