you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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