I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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