My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
