I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
It's shark week go big or go home
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
