3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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