if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
