i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
