yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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