It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
We smell like vodka and hangover
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