Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
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