you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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