Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize