My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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