She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
