so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize