So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
