Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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