Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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